The Happy Yogini

I have a multifaceted relationship with fear.

Sometimes I am unconscious to it and I base my decisions on avoiding whatever is scaring me. If I am lucky, I’ll become aware of it and course correct.

I’ve also made decisions to take actions in order to overcome my fears. Intense visceral experiences like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane and attending trapeze school to conquer my fear of heights. Incidentally, I realized that skydiving didn’t put a dent in that fear, as I was “too high up”, it wasn’t real for me. I discovered that after I landed.

Trapeze school was a different matter altogether.

When my pals and I, The Spectacles we called ourselves, decided that it would be the perfect adventure after having met each other on a dogsledding trip in Alaska I hadn’t even considered the height component. Upon arrival at the Trapeze school on NYC’s West Side Highway, we paid the fee, signed the liability waivers and then prepared by flipping around on a trapeze bar that was 6’ off the ground before moving on to the real thing, which entailed climbing a 20’ ladder to reach the platform. Half way up I remembered that heights terrified me and I froze for a few moments. I continued on v e r y slowly, my body as stiff as a board, and when I got to the platform I gripped the metal bars that served as supports and stood stock still.

Every fiber of my being was tensed up and I felt like I couldn’t move. The teacher was so calm and assured me as he took hold of the trapeze belt around my waist, that I “wasn’t going anywhere until it was time”.  I trusted him but I was still petrified.

And then something shifted inside.

As I stood at the edge of the platform, with my toes hanging over the edge as instructed, I realized that I would not be able to have the experience that I wished to have if I didn’t let go of the fear and allow my body to relax. The experience that followed was extraordinary. It felt as though a cork in the bottom of each foot was removed and all of the fear drained out of my body as if it were orange juice being poured from a glass (OJ? I dunno why, but that’s what I saw in my mind’s eye…)

And a moment later I hopped off the platform.

As directed, I swung my legs out, then back, then I flipped upside down and hooked my legs over the bar and let go of my hands and looked where I was told to look (behind me), then do the exact opposite, lift my legs out in front of me and let goooooooo! Landing with several big bounces on this HUGE net. OMG, that was FUN!!!! I could not stop laughing, the adrenaline was coursing through me! So I did it again, and because I followed the ques as and when they were given both times, I graduated to BEING CAUGHT!!!

I scrambled up the ladder (yup, scrambled I did), followed the instructions again on que, and at the moment when I was upside down, arms outstretched looking behind me …there was one of the trapeze guys there to catch me. We locked hands around forearms and as his trapeze pulled away from mine, my legs unhooked and I was flying through the air with the greatest of ease! WOW.

“Wonder”, one of the Spectacles, video’d the catch and much to my surprise the whole thing lasted all of 15 seconds. To me it seemed like eternity.

Does this mean that fear is a choice? I hadn’t thought so until that moment on the platform when I chose to let it go.

Fear is a powerful emotion and I wish to have as conscious a relationship with it as possible.

One of my favorite feelings is when I let the fear push me forward like body surfing an ocean wave. So exhilarating! Fear seems inevitable to me, built-in to a life lived outside of a comfort zone. Taking risks, pushing boundaries, marching to the beat of a different drummer…all of those things generate fear.

BUT, when I forge ahead following my truth I discover that the “Worse Case Scenario” playing in my head NEVER HAPPENS.

The result? A sense of freedom that those golden handcuffs could never buy.

It reminds me of a quote I heard a number of years ago that I posted on a bulletin board in my home and looked at every day for a year:

Fear knocked on the door

Faith answered

No one was there (unknown)

CARPE DIEM!

The Happy Yogini

Yippee!!!! Yahooo!!!! I’ve got a fancy new (to me) CAMERA!!!!  YAY!!!!

I’m a shutterbug and have had a “good camera”, aka Canon Eos SLR for years. I received my first one (a film version) for my birthday in 1993 and stuck with Canon when I made the transition to digital a number of years ago.

Sadly, my last camera was swiped from my home last July. I was in the process of getting renters insurance when it happened and I was pretty upset given that it was one of the few treasured possessions I hung onto during the Big Purge.

After the initial shock wore off, I decided that I would create a Zen Opportunity out of the situation.  What would it be like to live without a camera? Was it something that I could let go of? I was curious about how it would feel to be in my life rather than behind a lens observing it.

Surprisingly, it was kind of OK. To be clear, I had one of Fairfield County’s finest, Detective F, on the case and would have been very happy to have my stuff back (camera, memory cards, a pearl ring, a second, very old pocket digital camera), but short of that I was getting on fairly well.

‘Round about October my dear pal, K, told me that her stepson had a camera that he no longer used and much to my surprise and delight, he gave me a mini digital camera. I bought a battery, memory card and charger and I was BACK IN BUSINESS! It took great photos and fit in my back pocket – perfect.

Fast forward 8 months and I find myself in India, of all places. Sure I’m taking a ton of photos, but I can’t capture the monkeys like I know is possible with a Digital SLR (d slr) and telephoto lens nor can I focus in on tiny flowers and insects.

So, during a recent meditation I got quiet and sat with this consideration of needing/wanting/desiring a d slr camera.

Eureka!

This is not an unconscious “Gotta Have It!” to satisfy my ego or to fill the “God Shaped Hole”. Photography is one of the ways I express my creativity. It has been for years. It makes sense for me to have a “good camera”. I’ve gotten rid of so many things and am living happily with less, and a camera is a thing that has a purpose in my life.

So the next day I called my pal, F, in Kodai and asked him if he had any friends with camera equipment to sell. “My pal, A, is a photographer I’ll give him a call and get back to you.”

This pal ‘coincidentally’ had a Canon d slr with 70 – 300mm telephoto lens (to photog monkeys) and a standard 18 -55mm lens with an attachable macro lens (for tiny flowers and insects), two batteries, a 1 gig memory card and 2 extra lens filters. This equipment was in storage and not for sale and F told me that A was willing to sell it to me only because I am a fellow photographer and a friend of his. The cost? Rs. 17,000 (Rupees) = USD$380. A fair price, for sure.

I have wished for many things in my life that I didn’t really believe in (or want…) and not surprisingly I didn’t get them. Manifesting this equipment was simple and very fast because having it was true down to my core. This has come as a revelation to me as I’ve never really considered my wanting of things at any deep level before and I am very excited to make it a habit.

Hey, MONKEY, say Jackfruit! (CLICK!)

CARPE DIEM!

The Happy Yogini

A BABY CAME TODAY!!!! YIPPEE!! YAY!!! WAAAHOOO!!!!

In India for less than a month, on Monday, July 4th as I came down to the Dairy Kitchen for breakfast I stumbled onto a cow giving birth! (The cow maternity area is conveniently located adjacent to the Dairy Kitchen….?) There was a flurry of activity with folks assisting the cow by pulling on the calfs legs, moving the calf to the mother so she could clean him, etc..

I witnessed in total amazement as the little guy stood up within 20 minutes of being born! As luck would have it, my camera battery was dead so I didn’t get photos until ‘Crackerjack’ was 1 day old.

This little guy was literally jumping up and down from the get go, and with his birth coinciding  with the birthday of our great country, I was inspired to name him Crackerjack (‘Firecracker’ didn’t roll off the tongue in quite the same way…).  The babies usually aren’t named because most are sold, but his name stuck. AND his mom is giving a record amount of milk; 27 litres/DAY at her peak! Evidently 21 l/d is the usual peak amount.

The next pregnant cow, Himamala, is now ready to give birth – we’ve been on alert for several days and this afternoon the cowshed staff sent word that ‘It’s Time!’ – and this time I’m armed with 2 charged batteries, a wide angle lens and plenty of space on my memory card.

Yeah, I get that most folks (perhaps my readers, even?) might not want to see graphic pictures of a cow giving birth but one of the most wonderful things about my stay here is that these kinds of experiences are so far from my previous (normal?) life. Case in point, after the birth the momma cow is milked and the first pail gets poured into the river as an offering. Now that’s cool!

Fast forward several hours. Momma and baby are sleeping and I am reflecting on the event.

Friends, when the head appeared the little rascal was sticking his tongue out! Hahaha!!! And in the subsequent hours after his arrival, I noticed that his little baby cow tongue still sticks out of his mouth ever so slightly… it is so cute!

The name that keeps popping to mind for this little bull is Slick. Stay with me here….That’s how he came out before his momma cleaned him off and the word lick is hidden in there which is the action of a tongue when outside of the mouth…get it? I don’t think the folks here are going to appreciate my logic or creativity but I LOVE IT!

Before coming to India I don’t recall ever witnessing any type of birth (as if one could forget that experience) and I believe that it is the most powerful miracle on our planet, regardless of the species.

Welcome, Little Baby Slick!

CARPE DIEM!
The Happy Yogini

These were the words I heard in May while sitting in an estheticians chair in a tony town in Lower Fairfield County, CT. My first response was shock, though I suppose that suggestion was preferable to “Have you considered Botox?” or “I have the name of a very good plastic surgeon.”

I’ve laughed, cried and squinted alot in my life and apparently it shows! I’ve also spent too many hours worrying, and during my time here believe that I’ve come face to face with the futility of it.

In a couple of my posts I’ve mentioned my propensity for hurrying through my life, in order to get to the other side, perhaps? I still don’t know what was behind that internal drive to race about, which has been with me since I was a kid, but I now know in every fiber of my being that I AM NOT THE DOER. I was reminded of this by my teacher, with whom I’ve been fortunate to have daily contact since shortly after my arrival.

She emphasizes in her writings a sentiment, nay, truth of her predecessor, Mother of Pondicherry, that EVERYTHING has been pre-determined. In the minutest detail. If that is actually true, and it feels so from the bottom of my soul, then I have nothing more to worry about. The power, she says, is in my CONSCIOUS choosing and first and foremost, I choose to be a positive instrument of the Divine.

This new awareness has created a fundamental shift in my reality and life has suddenly become very simple. Whatever I choose I intend to be as conscious as possible, from eating to actions to relationships – all of it. And there’s no longer a need to self doubt. The majority of noise in my head originated from fear and self doubt and now it’s soooo much quieter up there – yay!!!

This shift has caused me to feel as though I’ve suddenly arrived in India. Yes, I’ve been here for 2 1/2 months already and looking back I see that I had to bring all of me here, the rushing feeling and actions, the worry about what’s next in my life, etc. The ole adage “no matter where you go, there you are” comes to mind…And then all of a sudden ‘Gone’, in one fell swoop.

So, the facial expresission I’m giving up is worry….I’ll keep the rest, thanks!

CARPE DIEM!
The Happy Yogini

I knew I had to be careful about the drinking water while in India. I knew I had to close my mouth (and eyes?) when I showered.

Beyond that, I didn’t think too much about water…till about a week and a half into my stay here when I turned on the faucet to fill a bucket for my bath; yeah, you read it right. If I want hot water (which I do), I fill a metal bucket and hang an electric coil over a stick that rests across the top of the bucket. Then I take a sponge bath.

I haven’t yet opted for the “invigorating” cold shower, and I don’t see it in my future, so sponge bath it is.

Anywho, nothing came out of the faucet that day. When I inquired, in alarm, about the situation I was told that the water tank that feeds this building, consisting of three separate dwellings, ran dry.

Say what?

Where does the water come from? I believe it’s the first time in my life I’ve ever asked that question (turn the faucet on, water comes out, that’s all I needed to know). Apparently monsoon rains fill the tank and during dry spells, such as we’ve had this summer, water from the nearby river is pumped to the various tanks on the property.

Since there isn’t always sufficient staff around to do the pumping (weekends, etc.), Plan B is to call the Dairy Kitchen and ask for a couple of the boys to bring water in plastic kodums to fill my 3 buckets, which they carry on their heads. Can you feed me some grapes while you’re at it?

I’ve gotten accustomed to the routine and pretty well go with the flow (doh!) vis a vis the water supply.

Til last week.

I turned the faucet on to fill a couple of buckets for my bath and laundry and I noticed the water was running pretty brown. Whatever; probably a good reason for that, so I empty the bucket and start again.

Ummmm….yeah, the water really is brown. As in dirty water. Til now the water certainly hasn’t been clear like home, but I can deal no probs, cuz I’m on an adventure in India, but this threw me off.

“Hey, Garden Madam, (she gets her water from the same well) do you bathe in this dirty water??”

“Absolutely! ….It’s a different kind of dirty.”

I’m told that it should clear up, eventually ….and so the adventure continues!

Carpe Diem!

The Happy Yogini

I haven’t blogged in awhile because I’ve been creating ART!

One of the things I wanted to do whilst I was away from the rat race was to create art.  I’ve been doodling, painting and collaging since I was a kid but hadn’t made it a priority for quite a long time, aside from occasionally creating visions boards over the past 6 years, which are an AWESOME way to visualize the things one wants to attract/create….India was all over my most recent vision board from January, though I had no conscious thought about coming here. If you haven’t done one, I highly recommend it.

So, in advance of my trip, I went to Jerry’s Artarama in Norwalk, CT – I love that place! The staff are knowledgeable, friendly and helpful, and the selection and prices are great. The sales guy helped me select a 3”x6” bound book of sturdy art paper – a perfect size and weight for traveling. I had already purchased a fantastic little watercolor kit there a few years before which I barely used (see?), and had some great little scissors for collaging (which made it through U.S. airport security but were confiscated at the Delhi airport – I discovered too late that I could ask for them back at my final destination – grrrr…)

ANYWHO, those wonderful art supplies had been tucked away in one of my bureau drawers until 2 weeks ago when I saw some local Indian newspapers lying around with intriguing photos, and I got inspired.

I purchased my own subscription to The Hindu – South Edition and have been snipping photos and such, painting, using markers and collaging almost daily since then. I was still taking lots of photos, but I noticed that my writing had taken a back seat to my art. I didn’t want to write and I didn’t feel like I had anything to say.

Til today.

This is the Fifth blog post I’ve written in the past couple of hours and, before I fired up the laptop, I clipped a few things from today’s paper for my next art piece.

“Thus, with child to speak, and helpless in my throes, biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite: Fool! said my muse to me, look in thy heart, and write.”  Sir Philip Sidney

It’s good to be back!

CARPE DIEM!
The Happy Yogini

I have four pair of shoes;

~Cute rain boots – For a “fun” look during monsoons, and shoveling “channi” in the cow shed…worn 2x since I arrived. Barely any rain and no cow shed duty!

~Sensible hiking shoes – Walking/leech protection during monsoon… worn once thus far, weather is generally too warm for full-on shoes.

~Multi-terrain sandals – wear ALL THE TIME…provide great support during the daily dog walk and general traipsing around. I bought 1/2 size large in order to wear with wool sox during chillier days.

~Simple, yet elegant, bronze colored plastic sandals from Old Navy. – Alternate with multi terrain sandals, particularly when I want a cute, less clunky look. Hey, you can take the girl out of the world of fashion but you can’t take fashion out of the girl…even in the rain forest!

I am fairly certain I haven’t had just 4 pair of shoes since I began walking.

I love my shoes!

Actually, I have approximately 100 pair of shoes but the other 96 are in bins in a climate controlled storage unit in Fairfield, CT. Thank you, Westy Storage for taking care of my valuables!

I had an airline imposed weight restriction to contend with when packing for this journey, as well as the reality of my then future living scenario. I am living in one place for the bulk of my trip; a 30 acre property on the side of a mountain in a rain forest. I go to Kodaikanal with PH on Sundays for produce shopping at the market and while there I  do a couple of errands, including visiting my pal, Farooq, a shop owner I met while here in 2008 for a spiritual conference. I am “off rez” for a total of 3 1/2 hours, including the 1 hr 45 min roundtrip commute. Kodaikanal, a bustling hill station that the British occupied because of it’s temperate climate (compared to the roasting hot plains) and incredible views of mountain ranges and plains, has barely paved roads, few sidewalks, cars and taxis with no pollution control and not one single “outdoor cafe” to “be seen” at.

Not your high fashion, cosmopolitan locale though of course the women are beautifully clad in their sari’s and other traditional garb. The footwear of choice is some form of a low heeled, slip-on sandal or chappels (flip flops).

I have to say I am more aware of missing certain articles of clothing (fun tshirts) than I am of my shoes. You might think that if I could leave them behind, then I could certainly give some up. Au contraire, mon fraire!

As I have mentioned in several posts, I divested myself of a 1200 sq ft home along with a majority of the stuff therein. I didn’t overthink my choices, I simply went with my gut feeling about what needed to go and what had to stay.

The shoes stayed.

Among others, I still have (a dozen?) pair of heels from my days in the corporate world, which I left almost 3 years ago. Can’t give ‘em up (yet?). And, I have A LOT of sandals. I tend to rotate about 3 or 4 pair during any given summer and am known to have held on to a pair for a good number of years without wearing them and sometime later “rediscover” them. No need to go shopping! (OK, less of a need…)

Which brings me to another thought. For many years, up until about 5 years ago, I was very focused on accumulation. I HAD to have (fill in the blank with clothing, shoes or stuff). I’ve heard it described as “filling the God shaped hole with something other than God”. Boy does that resonate! I am sooooo thankful to have put a good deal of focus on understanding my motivations for spending money and accumulating stuff. It has allowed me to shed a lot of false notions about money, needs vs wants and ego/self esteem, as well as to gain awareness about my feelings (read: retail therapy). So when I “came to” from my spending stupor I had a crazy lot of stuff! I have to laugh because I have not had to purchase much in the way of clothing/shoes/workout gear in y. e. a. r. s.

Perhaps being away from my shoes for 6 months will create the (emotional?) space needed to let many of them go upon my return to CT.

And then again…maybe not.

CARPE DIEM!
The Happy Yogini

To be continued….

It all began innocently enough; the madams (not THAT kind!), CB and PH, were both feeling fatigued by 5:00pm and wanted help with the daily walk of the 5 Irish Setters. Their names are Gusto and Joia (ma and pa), Alpha and Gamma (the boys, though Gamma is the Alpha dog oddly enough) and Beta, the sweet little girl (pictured).

The madams did warn me, though, that “the dogs have never gone walking alone with a guest”. Neither JS nor JC, both here for 6 months, were able to cajol them even though these dogs LOVE their walks. That’s fine….I began going on the walks with the dogs and CB or PH (pictured) for the first few days.

Once the walk is finished the doggies get fresh cows milk (from our fresh cows – ooh!), which I also began to do. No, I’m not milking the cows….yet.

I was also happy to take the prepped (by CB) bowls of dog food – a complex combo of rice, green beans, supplements, liver chapatis and other mysterious ingredients – to the dogs at 7pm each night. No biggie.

After another week or so of this routine I had a feeling that the dogs would go with me alone, which came about when neither CB nor PH were able to go. Sure enough, I had ‘em! I would love to take credit for being a doggie whisperer but I really think it was because I was feeding them!

Anywho, now we’re all pals, the daily walks are great and the madams get their break.

There’s more to this….?

….you want me to do what????

Divide the chicken feet and skin into equal portions and put them in plastic for freezing….?   no gloves?…….um…..sure….cuz’ I’m a team player, that’s why…..  P

I discovered that these are some of the mysterious ingredients that I’ve never seen whilst mixing the food… very sneaky, ladies! Till this discovery I was thinking that these pooches eat better than most people…though that’s probably still true given that chicken feet are a delicacy in some parts of the world…

I’m happy to say that I have only done that once and as yet, I’ve not had to boil the cow bones for doggie chews.

Perhaps I’ll get a bit more detail then next time someone asks me if I can help out…

CARPE DIEM!

The Happy Yogini